Things are coming together little by little now, and my fear is starting to leave me a lot. Fear is not fun at all. I hate being afraid of things I normally was’t afraid of before. I don’t want to spend my life all locked up in my house afraid to do anything. I have to live, in fact I must. It’s just someday’s are right down hard to do it. But I’m allowing myself to have a few down fearful days but not many, like I’m told.
Our furniture is finally here all of it as of today. Yesterday we hung some pictures on the wall in the living room. We still need to buy bedroom lamps for our night stands, a living room rug, and a few flower assortments to set on coffee table and dining room table and then we should be good. I’m in no hurry for any of this I’m happy things are the way they are now. One of the cool things about our furniture is our night stand have USB ports and so does the living room furniture. They electric recline so they are already powered plugged. All you need to do is have a cord and plug it straight into your furniture, I love it.
I just want to settle in here as best we can and start making friends. I’ve decided that I want ever let anyone get close to me again as it hurts to bad to feel screwed over. I will have friends don’t get me wrong just not friends that I give my heart to 100 %.
I went to church Sunday, and people are definitely not as friendly as they are down south. I guess that is one of the things that I love about the southern people so much is they are so friendly there. Everyone speaks to everyone it seems, whether they know you or not. One of the oddest things about the church I’d ever seen was they had policemen there to guard against anyone trying to hurt the church. Never seen that before, not sure that’s a good thing or bad thing.
My neighbors are nice, when we moved in a few of them came and helped us, sorta blew me away at first never had that happen and felt somewhat strange about it until, the guy who stores his mowing equipment in our garage told us that this neighborhood was nice and people look out for each other here. That’s a big relief for me as I worry everywhere we move to what the neighborhood is like.
One of the biggest things I find hitting me again is worrying about things that are out of my control. I also am having severe nightmare again. Last night I dreamed I murdered someone (who I don’t know) and left evidence behind that linked to me. I was so afraid of going to jail. I awoke very disturbed as it seemed so real. I would never hurt a soul, why I’d dream such a dream is crazy. I have had a few dreams like this before. In fact when I’m depressed I dream some very crazy dreams. Some are so vivid and seem so real. Some I wish I could remember all the details as I could write a good book off them. Some are like a movie by Steven King and some are so wild and unbelievable that it unreal.
Here are a few pictures of our new house and furniture. Think I will make me some lunch. Have a great day everyone, see you soon….
It’s a small place but so cozy and easy to clean which I love. I can see staying here for a while as long as things continue to go the way they are.
I wanted to share James story link above about his attempts to commit suicide. It had to be hard to write about this. I know that it is hard for me to even read it as I only put darkness away recently and feel its visiting me again. I know now that suicide is not the answer but in the spring of last year it seemed to be the only answer for me. I thank God I never went through with it. This is one of the things I don’t understand about being bipolar I’m hoping in time my medication will stop the dark places I visit. The feelings you have that are so uncontrollable is scary as hell. The loneliness, and yet the feeling of not wanting to be around anyone at all or to go out of your house is awful ..
Please click the link above. Its a great story and its so how I felt when my darkness pays a visit to me.
I been living off fear again for weeks now and not one bit happy about it. It came back as soon as we moved to Missouri. I don’t understand why I feel fear anymore, I’ve never had it in my entire life, if I did I don’t remember it. I’ve never been afraid to tackle anything and now I do. I fear so much in life, right down to where we live.
Shortly after getting here I found out that the town we moved to was 73 % blacks and 17 whites. I’ve never been a racist but found myself feeling uneasy especially living right outside of Ferguson. If I had never known about all the raids and destruction that went on during the Michael Brown shooting I might be alright. It was during a difficult time in my life when my depression had set in big time. I just didn’t understand why people wanted to hurt their town when there were other ways to make a statement. I just was having a problem with the way the world was going period. To much crime, hate and racism.
A week and half later I found out that our neighbor hood were we moved to, we are the second white family here. Our land lords wife is white as well and they live two streets over from us. I feel really bad in the way I was feeling. I don’t mean no harm to anyone, but now I understand how uneasy it must have been for a black family to move into an all white neighbor hood. It makes me angry to feel this way. The town we live in there is barely any crime. I came from a far worse place than I’m in now, when it comes to crime. Our neighbors seem nice as well to, the came to introduce them selves the day we were moving in. I guess I just want the world to live in peace and have love and help they neighbor as the bible speaks as this is the way I was raised as well. We all bleed the same blood and Jesus didn’t die to save a certain race, but all mankind. We must learn to love each other to live among each other.
I found a church today about 30 minutes from where we live. It was nice but people aren’t as warm and friendly here like they are in the south. That’s something I’m going to have to get used to. My husband Martin said it was that way at his work as well. Maybe in time we will get used to it here and love it as much as we did Georgia.. One of the things that I thought was wild was the church had two police officers that stood there guarding the place while church going on. I have never seen this before.
Life has gotten to crazy for me. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fit in this world like I used to. It’s all about change I’m told and the sooner you accept change the easier it is for you to adapt. It’s jsut hard to take an old fashion country girl and ask her to fit into this screwed up world now. It seems like it changed over night for me. It’s like I woke up one day and things had changed over night from OK to crazy.
I just pray that God continues to strengthen me so I don’t have this fear I have now. I fear sleep, driving, darkness, being alone, something happening to my family or my animals, my husband getting sick again and more. I just wish I could be normal again that’s all. I hate all this worrying. If it wasn’t for the little bit of positive thinking I have I’d be a mess again. I just been making maybe self push forward as I’m not going to allow myself to go back ward again and miss out on life anymore. Take care and until next time..
I’m sitting here in my new reclining couch looking out my living room window, watching the squirrels run and play in the two large trees in my front yard wondering whats down the road for me. It’s such a dreary day and you can smell the fall in the air. I used to love fall as it brought about my favorite times of the year, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
These are holidays I can barely take anymore. I dread seeing them come. They are reminders of who is no longer in my life anymore like my parents who died many years ago. I also have to always find ways to be with my children and grand kids if possible. Its become to much of a chore and no longer a joy like it used to be, this makes me sad to feel this way as I know I shouldn’t
I wish I could live back in the day of when I was a child at home with mom and dad when Christmas meant family and friends always finding ways to be together. Its was some of the happiest days of my life. I don’t remember a lot about it but I do know that it was special and magical. I lived for winters as I knew that not only was Santa and lots of snow coming but so was my older brother and sisters to visit. We had so much fun then. It wasn’t all about getting lots of presents, but instead about being together as family with lots of great food, laughter and fun. Those were defiantly the good ole days.
Seasonal Depression for me is getting so much worse. I used to live for summer before my breakdown this spring as I knew that it was the time of year I had to do everything I could do as when fall came I would get depressed. As time went on its gotten even worse and these past few years have been awful for me. I knew that the holidays would come with fall and with that would come depression so I’ve always hated it. I just no longer love Thanksgiving and Christmas.
It’s no longer about family and friends anymore but instead who can get the most presents. It used to be the time of year to be together, but now people think if I don’t give lavishly I’ll be thought of as a cheap skate. This is sad as kids now get a dozen of presents and parents spends 100′ of dollars on them. It’s no longer what it used to be. It’s a rushed holiday that people just want to get over cause they know its gonna cost them a fortune.
When my children younger and lived at home I loved Christmas. I used to plan on a long winter of wonderful food, lots of good Christmas movies, snow days with my children and homemade cookies. Tons of Christmas decorations, making snow men and having snow ball fights. But then came the best part, hot chocolate and snuggling nights.
I see people now with kids that were my kids age and they just don’t do that. The parents now can’t stay off a phone or computer long enough to do anything. Their kids sit beside them doing the very same thing and they don’t realize they are giving more time to their online friends then their family sitting right there in front of there face. My god people wake the fuck up. If you think I’m crazy wait till your kids get older they are going to be a mess from having to raise them selves. Oh lord the world has gotten crazy. Just talking about this upsets me so I’ll save that for another post, I just can’t even go there right now.
My therapist from Georgia found me a therapist here and I talked to her for almost 45 minutes today. Her name is Kim and she seems very nice, someone I think I can talk to. I liked her voice right away, and she put off some very good vibes. That’s really important when finding someone to talk to. I told her I had seasonal depression as well and needed some help in how to work through it. I have my first appointment with her tomorrow at 1:00. I also see the new Psychiatrist tomorrow and start the assessment for the new drug study I’m going to do. I’m hoping and praying that it will help me better than any other medication I’ve tried. If I don’t see an improvement in 3 or 4 weeks I’m not gonna continue it and gonna try something completely different.
Well my show will soon be on so gonna shut down and watch it. I’ve gotten to where I love the Ellen Show and can’t wait to see it. I love the way she makes me feel and the laughter I get from watching it… until next time take care my friends…
It’s been a long week getting everything put away just now finally able to write after putting the house together this week. It’s not hit me yet on how bad I’m missing Georgia but sure it will.
It’s a lot like Tennessee here as for the layout of the town around us. I’m not sure really how to feel about this place yet. I hope I can get a good feeling about it, but right now I just can’t. I don’t do well in strange places at first.
Today’s my first day out of the house by myself and I’m very nervous. I’m sitting at McDonald’s waiting or my first appointment with my new Psychiatrist which is not till 11:00 am 2 hours from now. Next time I make one it will be for earlier in the morning. I’m in a program that will be doing a study with a new medication not yet on the market, a little nervous about that but at least my Dr apt’s and medication as well as therapy visits are all covered for next 3 months, plus I get paid so much a week for coming. They have already did 2 studies on it and so far its been good. I hope I’m able to take the medication and there are not a lot of side effects other wise I’m not doing it.
Hubby wants me to have lunch with him today but don’t think I will be out of the Dr’s by then. They said the Dr. appointment would take around 2 hours as I have to answer a lot of questions with history. I wish I could remember the name of the medication I will be taking to see if any of you have heard anything of it.
It’s going to be pretty today, I really love our big back yard. There is so much room for the dogs to play in. They haven’t had a place to play out in for a long time now and they are loving it. The house is smaller than we have had in a while but its cute and very cozy, just perfect for my little family.
I took a nap yesterday and woke up to my knee being all swollen, it’s been while since I’ve had fluid on my knee. Not sure if the move here acted it up or what, but it sure is swollen this morning and very painful.
Well you all have a great day going to drive around and check out the town…
Today’s the big day. I feel like a little girl at Christmas waiting to open that big box under the tree. In little less than 6 hrs I will be in the arms of my husband and I can’t wait. It feels as if we have been away from each other for eternity. We both have been so sad over this and have agreed it is one of the hardest thing we’ve had to do in a long time.
I think this has brought us closer together and made us appreciate each other a lot more. I have laid in bed at night since he’s been gone and wondered if this is what it would feel like if death were to come to either of us. I’m not so sure I would want to live. If it’s like any way the feelings I have felt over the past 4 weeks, I’m no sure I would want to live. I’ve never felt so alone and sad in all my life. The only thing I had was hope of being together again been then the worrying part of me always thought of the worst.
When I had this breakdown I said I was on a new journey in my life and I was, but now I’m ready to close that chapter and start a whole new chapter of my life in Missouri. I am washing away all the bad that I have endured in my life right down to this last year being the breaking point for me. I have dealt with it now and want to put it behind me. I’m in a new frame of mind and ready to be a much stronger woman and positive person. I will always try to only surround myself with healthy people who will not hurt me.
We leave Friday evening for Missouri and when we pull out of our driveway I will never look back. That part of my life is over and that chapter will be closed for good….I choose for my life to be happy and enjoy whats left of mine and my husbands life. .see you in Missouri…