Just My Life


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Well I think it's safe to say that the spirit  of Christmas  has hit me. I not only made the above picture my screen saver on my phone, but also decorated the house.

I've always loved Christmas, however some years are very difficult for me. This time last year my husband Martin put up the tree only, because  I was severely depressed.

I started to withdraw from my friends and family for days at a time. I had never felt this kind depression before. By Christmas I simply just couldn't  take life anymore. It was then that I spent weeks in bed. I really didn't understand  what was happening to me. I felt like life wasn't worth it anymore.

I just thank God I kept holding on to what faith I had. If it was not for him saving me  I'd  be dead today. I really prayed for death every single day.

I thank God things happened the way they did, it may have caused me to lose my friends, but at least I have a whole new take on life. Trust me I have bad days with this bipolar depression but at least my outlook is different. I stopped trying to please the world and concentrated on me. It was truly the only way I'd get better. It cost me my friends and I almost lost my family but thankfully they still love me.

I guess when your really down and out and trying recover, that's when you find out who's truly there for however long it takes for you to get well. And it took me months and months but I guess I pushed everyone away by wanting to be alone. I just couldn't get people  to understand that I  couldn't  help myself to feel different. I wanted  to be ok but my mind wouldn't let me.

It's a year later now and things are different for me. I've learned  to take any and all happiness that comes my way. I'm so thankful to my father and his son Jesus for sparing me and my family the terrible thing as suicide. I sometimes can't  believe that I  was so sick that I  wished for death everyday and almost made that possible.

It's so different this year for the holidays. For the first time in many years I'm actually looking forward to it. I've learned to except the fact that certain family members will be with me if they really want to, and if they don't that's fine to. As long as I have my husband and all my fur babies I can and will survive. I will just pray for those I love who feel different, that no matter what maybe someday things will be ok and if not at least I had hope.

Hope and faith is everything. Having that in life is everything you need to help you survive bipolar depression.



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