Really had a rough night last night. Hosted a movie night on Facebook and fell asleep during the movie. I woke up around 1:30 an went to bed. Started having a panic attack and couldn’t sleep as hubby was snoring something awful so got back up to sleep in recliner. His snoring can drive me mad at times, and last night I was on the brink of going mad. Finally I dozed back off.
4 or 5 loud pops woke me up. I was like wtf..that was gun shots. I had to take something for my panic attack so I could go back to sleep and it was hard now this. This had made my 2nd panic attack I have had today, and now I was feeling a 3rd one coming on. Not had them in a while. My first one just came on out of the blue around 3 pm while I was doing some work on the computer.
I jumped up trying to place what direction it had come from and was sure it had come from the back yard. I grabbed my gun woke up hubby and we went to look but found nothing. I know I heard it, it was real. I hadn’t been dreaming or anything, so know that the poops I heard were gun shots. They startled me out of my sleep as I hadn’t gone into a deep sleep yet. Anyways since we moved here in this house every little sound wakes me. Mama my dog gets up through out the night and I can hear her nails click on the hardwood floors and this will wake me.
Hubby finally went back to bed after he tried to couch me to come to bed with him, but I could not. I laid back down in my recliner with my gun next me and tried to calm myself as by then I was in full panic mode again. I didn’t want to take another pill so sat and did some breathing exercises and before long I must have drifted off to sleep.
I swear this fear is the most scariest thing in your life to ever have. I never felt this kind of fear before in my life. Before if I had to describe it before my diagnosis of bipolar it was like a scared feeling of I don’t want to do that. Now it is full-blown fear I feel and trust me there is a difference between the two. I think the hallucinations I had when I had the psychotic breakdown is what brought on this kind of fear I feel on to me. There is nothing more scarier than seeing shadows go by you or hearing sounds that came from nowhere or feeling like bugs are crawling all over your skin and out of your ears. Please lord never let me go back to that place again.
Well hubbie and I are getting ready to go pick up my phone. Tomorrow we are going down town to St. Louis to a Greek festival. Until next time take care of your mental health you all…