I hate feeling all this fear

I been living off fear again for weeks now and not one  bit happy about it. It came back as soon as we moved to Missouri.  I don’t understand why I feel fear anymore, I’ve never had it in my entire life,  if I did I don’t remember it.  I’ve never been afraid to tackle anything and now I do. I fear so much in life, right down to where  we live.

Shortly after getting here I  found out that the town we moved to was 73 % blacks and 17 whites. I’ve never been a racist but found myself feeling uneasy especially living right outside of Ferguson. If I had never known about all the raids and destruction that went on during the Michael Brown shooting I might be alright.  It was during  a  difficult time in my life when my depression had set in big time. I just didn’t understand why people wanted to hurt their town when there were other ways to make a statement. I just was having a problem with the way the world was going period. To much crime, hate and racism.

A week and half later I found out that our neighbor hood were we moved to, we are the second white family here. Our land lords wife is white as well and they live two streets over from us. I feel really bad in the way I was feeling. I don’t mean no harm to anyone, but now I understand how uneasy it must have been for a black family to move into an all white neighbor hood. It makes me angry to feel this way. The town we live in there is barely any crime. I came from a far worse place than I’m in now, when it  comes to crime. Our neighbors seem nice as well to, the came to introduce them selves the day we were moving in. I guess I just want the world to live in peace and have love and help they neighbor as the bible speaks as this is the way I was raised as well. We all bleed the same blood and Jesus  didn’t die to save a certain race, but all mankind. We must learn to love each other to live among each other.

I found a church today about 30 minutes from where we live. It was nice but people aren’t as warm and friendly here like they are in the south. That’s something I’m going to have to get used to. My husband Martin said it was that way at his work as well. Maybe in time we will get used to it here and love it as much as we did Georgia.. One of  the things that I thought was wild was the church had two police officers that stood there guarding the place while  church going on. I have never seen this before.

Life has gotten to crazy for me. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fit in this world like I used  to. It’s all about change I’m told and the sooner you accept change the easier it is for you to adapt. It’s jsut hard to take an old fashion country girl and ask her to fit into this screwed up world now. It seems like it changed over night for me. It’s like I woke up one day and things had changed over night from OK to crazy.

I just pray that God continues to strengthen me  so I don’t have this fear I have now. I fear sleep, driving, darkness, being alone, something happening to my family or my animals, my husband getting sick again and more. I just wish I could be normal again that’s all.   I hate all this worrying. If it wasn’t  for the little bit of positive thinking I have I’d be a mess again. I just been making maybe self push forward as I’m not going to allow myself to go back ward again and miss out on life anymore. Take care and until next time..



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