I had a great two days for a change almost feeling normal except for the nightmares I’ve had two nights in a row about the same thing over and over. I have to write about it and get it out, as I am really disturbed about it.
It was said to me in a message a few days ago that I needed to take a look at myself and of course everything has gone through my mind on what exactly was meant by that. It hurt coming from someone I care about because that particular statement can mean so many things such as, take a look at yourself you’re pathetic, take a look at yourself your disgusting, take a look at yourself you’re a screw up, take a look at yourself your a fuck up., it could go on and on, take a look at yourself your hair is purple, take a look at yourself, you’re sharing your life to the world………………SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……….I mean come on on how is a person supposed to feel when that is said to them by anyone let alone coming from someone you care about.
Is it being said to me because I have purple hair? come on since when did I allow you to tell me what color my hair should be just because we care for each other. Is it being said because I have two blogs, this one that none of my family know about, where I share my feelings and thoughts with people who have gone through the same things I have, and another site to start making a little extra cash off of which I’m putting together little by little. I just don’t know what those words were meant to mean, and it like a knife in my gut right now.
I think that I’m going to have to start using my ip tracker and block people who I cared about from reading my blogs here as I seem to upset them in what I say just because I share how I feel. It just bothers me altogether to know i’m being discussed and I know that too was one of the things we learned about when I was in the hospital, what others think don’t matter..
I just wish people would understand that the first day of being in the hospital I was handed a piece of paper and told to write and share and get out my thoughts and feelings ( all the shit trauma I had experienced my life) and no longer hold them in. And you know what I will continue to do that as long as I feel the need because for the first time in my life my brain isn’t racing with a billion thoughts at one time and I feel peaceful for a change..
I may have a dark mind now but I’m pieceful and a good person. I would never hurt anyone purposely ever. But people need to realize that words cut like a knife and with this disease it feels even worse. And speaking of disease that to bothers me when I feel as if people are thinking its nothing with what I have, I used to think that about my brother and man I would love to take back the things I said about him and the way he acted when he was manic.
I thought, it’s not serious, but know that I have it I to realize that it fucks with your mind so badly that a lot of the time you just want to end it all to make it go away. Why can’t they just understand that having bipolar depression and anxiety is dangerous. It’s not treatable, HOWEVER if you can ever get on the right medication level and eat right, get therapy that a lot people can live a fairly decent life most of the time. You just gotta get there and it doesn’t happen overnight…..
I just thank God my husband is learning about how serious this is and supporting me the way I need to be supported, and that’s with patience and understanding that I am no longer me and cant help the way I am now. I didn’t just decide to be this way. Fuck this shit it’s for the birds, I want sunshine and light in my life again, I want to be out going again and not anti social. It’s painful people and frightening… LEARN ABOUT IT>Learn how to support someone with this disease ……………………………………then peak your cutting words us………….