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Venting

I had a great two days for a change almost feeling normal except for the nightmares I’ve had two nights in a row about the same thing over and over. I have to write about it and get it out, as  I am really disturbed about it.

It was said to me in a message a few days ago that I needed to take a look at myself and of course everything has gone through my mind on what exactly was meant by that. It hurt coming from someone  I care about because that particular statement can mean so many things  such as, take a look at yourself you’re pathetic, take a look at yourself your disgusting, take a look at yourself you’re a screw up, take a look at yourself your a fuck up., it could go on and on, take a look at yourself your hair is purple, take a look at yourself, you’re sharing your life to the world………………SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……….I mean come on on how is a person supposed to feel when that is said to them by anyone let alone coming from someone you care about.

Is it being said to me because I have purple hair? come on since when did I allow you to tell me what color my hair should be  just because we care for each other. Is it being said because I have two blogs, this one that none of my family  know about, where I share my feelings  and thoughts with people who have gone through the same things I have, and another site to start making a little extra cash off of which I’m putting together little by little. I just don’t know what those words were meant to mean, and it like a knife in my gut right now.

I think that I’m going to have to start using my ip tracker and block people who I cared about from reading my blogs here as I seem to upset them in what I say just because I share how I feel. It just bothers me altogether to know i’m being discussed and I know that too was one of the things we learned about when I was in the hospital, what others think don’t matter..

I just wish people  would understand that the first day of being in the hospital I was handed a piece of paper and told to write and share and get out my thoughts  and feelings ( all the shit trauma I had experienced my life) and no longer hold them in. And you know what I will continue to do that as long as I feel the need because for the first time in my life my brain isn’t racing with a billion thoughts at one time and I feel peaceful for a change..

I may have a dark mind now but I’m pieceful and a good person. I would never hurt anyone purposely ever. But people need to realize that words cut like a knife and with this disease it feels even worse. And speaking of disease that to bothers me when I feel as if people are  thinking its nothing with what I have, I used to think that about my brother and man I would love to take back the things I said about him and the way he acted when he was manic.

I  thought, it’s not serious, but know that I have it I to realize that it fucks with your mind so badly that a lot of the time you just want to end it all to make it go away. Why can’t they just understand that having bipolar depression and anxiety is dangerous. It’s not treatable, HOWEVER if you can ever get on the right medication level and eat right, get therapy that a lot people can live a fairly decent life most of the time. You just gotta get there and it doesn’t happen overnight…..

I just thank God my husband is learning about how serious this is and supporting me the way I need to be supported, and that’s with patience and understanding that I am no longer me and cant help the way I am now. I didn’t just decide to be this way. Fuck this shit it’s for the birds, I want sunshine and light in my life again, I want to be out going again and not anti social. It’s painful people and frightening… LEARN  ABOUT IT>Learn how to support someone with this disease ……………………………………then peak your cutting words us………….

nuff said………………………..

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0 Comments

  1. I think you look beautiful with your purple hair! And I’m so thankful that your husband is supportive! Hugs!

    1. Ty so much i get compliments everytime i go out people saying to they wish the were as brave as me

  2. I think Bipolar can absolutely be treated. It can’t be cured or erased, but it can be treated. I treat mine with respect and care to make sure it doesn’t take over. I have learned how to be aware of when my episodes are headed my way, and instead of fighting them, I just let them wash over me. I’ve learned that fighting them only makes them bigger and harder. It’s scary, but once I became aware, it became a little easier and a little less scary to endure.

    I used to have full on blackouts and seizures when my Bipolar was at its worst. So, I had to do something. It’s a daily walk with my mind to make sure I’m OK. I am SURE you take this walk in your mind all the time, as I do. Over time, it will get easier. I’ve been actively coping with my Bipolar since 2006.

    I also take medication every day to help me treat it. I write a blog to help me with it. I’ve been on the same on since 2006 and it’s minor in the world of Bipolar meds. I spent quite a long time researching different meds to ensure what I was putting into my body was as OK as it could be. I’ve been successful so far. But, because it’s not one of the heavy duty Bipolar meds, I have to do quite a bit of my own work. I’m Ok w/ that. I still want to be me, and my Bipolar isn’t all bad.

    I truly hope you get better as time goes on. It’s hard to handle when you feel so out of control all the time. I’ve been there. It took years for me to be where I am today. No, I’m not cured. But, I am better, and that’s what I mean by treatable.

    I’m sorry someone you care about was hurtful, and just like you, I analyze things to death. It’s a journey everyday, but have faith in yourself. If I were to say “take a look at yourself”, I would mean that you are stronger than you think you are, and that with continuous work and self love, you can be better. Keep on keeping on! I’m glad you’ve had some good days. Keep writing about how you feel about everything. I enjoy reading your blogs no matter what they say! Thanks for having the courage to share yourself with the rest of us.

    1. Ty so much for taking the time for me it means alot

      1. Well, you’re not alone but I know how isolating it can be when no one seems to understand.

        1. So true i stay isolated only go to church but talk only if im talked to

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